1999 Football Pool Frequently Asked Questions...
Did you do this last year?
Yes, there was a very similar football pool last year. The results of that pool can still be found at [dead site] and then click on the HFL logo.
What's an "HFL logo?"
I meant NFL logo. I apologize.
Who won last year?
A man who goes by the name of Kessler.
How much did he win?
The pot was 360 dollars.
Will the pot be the same this year?
That depends on how many people enter.
How many people have entered?
So far, 20 people have responded.
Is that a lot?
Yes, it looks like the pot will be even bigger than last year's pot.
Who is in so far?
Beginning this weekend, the names of those people who have sent in their money will begin to appear where the old stats are now.
OK, so who is on the list?
You'll be able to find out beginning this weekend.
Why won't you just tell me now?
Just wait until this weekend, OK? You're embarrassing me.
So it's ten dollars, right?
Yes, it costs ten dollars.
Ten dollars every week?
No, just ten dollars at the beginning of the season. That's it.
How do I pay?
You send me ten dollars in the mail, cash or check.
Isn't it dangerous to send cash in the mail?
There is a slight danger it will get "lost" in the mail system, yes. But that is really the extent of the danger. No other harm should befall you. It would be much more dangerous to, say, poke a knife into a toaster.
Why?
Because you could get an electric shock and die.
What if you unplug it first?
Then you can poke whatever you want into the toaster.
So who do I tell my picks to?
You mean "whom."
Whatever. Whom?
You tell them to me, John Ducey.
Should I send all of my picks in with my money?
No, you shouldn't send any picks in with your money.
Than how will you know my picks?
You will email them to me each week at ducey@primenet.com.
When do I have to make the pick by?
Each week's pick will be due in my email inbox by dawn Saturday morning. No exceptions.
Dawn Eastern Standard Time or Pacific Standard Time?
Dawn in whatever time zone you are picking from.
What about Daylight Savings Time?
Adjust your clocks accordingly. Dawn is still the deadline.
Do you take bribes?
No.
Really?
Every man has his price.
Should I be concerned about the point spread?
No, all you have to do is pick a winner.
What if the game ends in a tie?
Then you did NOT pick a WINNER.
What if they were winning before the tie happened?
You lose.
What if they tie like zero to zero?
You lose.
But wouldn't that be cool? Zero to zero?
I don't know. It might be kind of a boring game.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe.
What if I don't pick a winner one week? Am I eliminated from the pool?
No, if you pick a loser (or a tie-er) or fail to send in a pick on time, that will count as one loss. If you lose three times, you are then eliminated.
Can I then pay another ten dollars to stay in?
No.
A hundred dollars?
Every man has his price.
Why don't I just pick Minnesota every week?
Because you can only pick each team once.
Once in a row?
No, once for the whole season.
What does "once in a row" mean?
I don't know. You said it.
What if no one gets eliminated?
It's unlikely.
What if not everyone gets eliminated?
If more than one person makes it through the regular season, all of those contestants will go on to the playoffs with a slightly adjusted set of picking rules.
What are they?
Let's worry about that in January.
Why January?
That's when the playoffs are.
But what if more than one person picks the whole entire everything correctly?
If more than one person makes it through the whole season and the playoffs and the SuperBowl, the tie-breaker will be how many losses they have. A player with only one loss will beat a player with two losses. If they both have the same number of losses, they will split the pot.
So can my friend from work get in?
Anyone who wants to get in can get in.
How much does it cost for them?
It's still ten dollars.
How do they make their picks?
It will be easier if they have email, then they can send their picks directly to me. Or you can be responsible for getting their picks in with yours. The deadline is the same.
And that was...?
Saturday morning at dawn.
Dawn Eastern Stand--?
Stop it.
Do I just pick from the Sunday games?
Eligible games are those played on Sunday AND Monday Night Football. Games played on Thursday or Saturday are ineligible.
Ineligible is the opposite of eligible, right?
Right.
What is the deadline for the money?
The envelope transporting your ten dollars must be postmarked prior to the first game. That's a Saturday, September 11 postmark at the latest.
And where do I send the money again?
Big Johnny Ducey, PO Box 1411, Studio City, CA 91604
And how will I know if you got it?
Beginning this weekend, check the website. If you have sent your money and your name does not appear in a reasonable amount of time, something may have gone wrong. Send me an email and we'll figure it out.
You mean like it might have gotten lost in the mail?
Right.
Yeah, right, or you just pocketed the money and blamed the post office?
Right.
How do I find out what teams are playing each weekend?
You can look on the web in many places, including http://www.nfl.com/news/00schedule.html.
The web is an awesome research tool.
That's not really a question, but yes, it is.
Awesome.
Yes. Awesome.
Do you like salami?
Not really. No.
Have you seen the new Star Wars movie?
Yes.
Did you like Jar Jar Binks?
Not really. No.
How do you find the square root of a number?
Look, do you have any more questions about the football pool?
What football pool?
That's it. You're done. Any other questions, email me.
What's your address?
I said you were done.
Jerk.
What?
Nothing.
That's what I thought.
ducey