Episode 111 Shoot
November 16, 1999

The taping went well tonight. As usual, David did a great job. He had a fun story line in that he actually got to fall in love and it ruined his artistic ability. Steven, as usual, was running around with one woman after another. He has said once that growing up he thought he might like to get into a line of work where he gets to make girls laugh. "There's gotta be some kind of job like that out there, right?" Well, I think he found it, on camera and off. I got to spend some quality time with Rena this week which is fun and Ford was back in the hot seat, this time at work. It was great.

The problem these days is that the show is lumbering on under the weight of the Unknown Future. So much emotional effort is put into the nagging question of whether the show will be picked up or not. It's the topic of at least half of the conversations on the set. It's too important not to be, I guess, but on the other hand there is nothing we can do about it and all the talking anyone can do is just speculation anyway. We don't know what ABC is thinking. Even ABC doesn't seem to know what ABC is thinking. This can't be a good way to run a network, can it?

My performance tonight may have been missing its usual sparkle. I think part of the problem was my appearance on later last night. It was such an amazing rush of excitement and adrenaline that my head is still swimming a bit. It was just me on display up there. That raised the stakes so much higher and made me so much more responsible. They were my stories and my material and Ducey instead of Ford and all that came together to make me very nervous and then very excited once it was accomplished. There was a sense, too, that I was in control of what I was doing. On Oh Grow Up I feel like I have increasingly less input. Maybe I just offer ideas less often now, but I feel like most of the time when I suggest or request something, it's wrong. It goes back to the Hunter/Chloe episode when I wanted to change my advice to Chloe and I was summarily shot down. Smaller battles have been lost since then and each one makes me feel a little less part of the creative process. What's worse is that I am beginning to feel that I don't merit any place in the creative process. That is very frustrating. And here I thought I was such a funny guy.

For now, I am still enjoying the work and the people so much that I don't usually get burdened down with these thoughts. They just seemed more relevant tonight juxtaposed against my feelings last night at this time. Plus, we have but one episode remaining. Buck up, sailor.

Episode 111 | Behind the Scenes | Oh Grow Up