5am. The sun still rested beneath the Eastern horizon. But the future of the entire horse-racing industry was at stake today and it was time for me to arise and meet the challenge. John Ducey, coming to you live from the "side-stage," interviewing the horse-racing giants, the honored dignitaries at our once-in-a-lifetime press conference. Had to be out the door by six to insure that every precious moment could be spent in preparation for today's event. At 7am, the first rehearsal would get underway. No turning back then.
7:15am. Doug Brown and I are the only two people there. I guess the future of the horse-racing industry will have to make do with a couple of quick tech rehearsals once everyone shows up.
We did finally get a rehearsal underway and I interviewed a proxy a couple of times and the open-air a few times. I tried out a few of my jokes on the people sitting there. A couple got laughs. A couple did not. The opening bit about the original emcee pulling up lame and me taking his place was mercifully axed before any real horsepeople got wind of it. A couple of the other gems that did not make the actual event...
I'm John Ducey, your host who's hung like a horse-power.
I know. Tough to let beauties like that slip through your fingers, but somewhere, some day, at some other horse-race network press announcement, they'll get their moment in the sun.
Event time was drawing near. I was introduced to the gentlemen I would be interviewing and talked briefly with them, letting them know I could really ask them whatever they wanted if they had an ideas about what they wanted to say. None of them did so we stuck with the scripted stuff.
10:15am. Lights down. Video up. The birth of TVG. Two huge screens in the front of the room come to life. A couple of clever segments, one about the union of horses and media, the other a behind-the-scenes look at the heart of TVG's programming, the Race Day Rush segments that shuttle the network between races. The audience response was tepid. One joke made by Helen Keaney, a Race Day Rush anchor, met with utter silence in the room. Unfortunate for Helen, but death for Ducey. I had to make jokes live. She was probably still home in bed!
The President of TVG, Mark Brenner then spoke a few words about the network and his vision. Deadly stuff. Nervous, flat, uncertain, dull. This is my opener and he's sucking what little life they possessed right out of them! The live segments are also being broadcast up onto the screens for those who can't see Brenner, so he's dying in triplicate. Until finally, just before they reached the fourth stage of REM sleep, the lights came up on the side stage. The image of one John Ducey fills the massive screens. Let the Television Games Begin!
"Hi, I'm John Ducey. You can think of me as your Host with Horsepower. You might recognize me from television... these two [indicating the big screens in front of the room]. I'd like to welcome all of you to Hollywood Park, the track of Lakes and Flowers. I just drove in myself from the apartment of Crab Grass and Water Damage. With me is..."
And with that I was off. I asked my first guest, David Caraco, a stocky, healthy-looking guy from Churchhill Downs, a question about the test market that was being conducted in Kentucky. He answered with a little 20-second sound-bite. Not enough. I had to come with the follow-up question. OK, success. The final follow-up caught him off guard, "Ever dreamed of being a jockey?" He looked at me sideways and then chuckled out a "no." "Reach for the stars," I returned. Yes, that was the joke. Were there laughs? That's a tough call. Looking back, I feel like there were times when it was just me all alone in the room, but a handful of people were appreciating most of the gags. Others simply refused to give it up for any of them.
The other successful gags were introducing Mark Simendinger, the President of Turfway Park with "Mark's a Capricorn. He likes sunsets and lazy picnics." And Joe DeFrancis, the President of the Maryland Jockey Club, "...a club I applied to. Didn't get in."
But aside from cataloging jokes and trying to figure out with ones flew and which ones tanked, the tone of the presentation from my little side stage was exactly what they were looking for, and the "Head Honchos of Horse" gave me great feedback and spoke of taking the whole project to the next level, which means shooting an actual pilot. Will that include me? It could just be Helen and her established co-host, Clint, but I think I'll be in the mix somewhere.
I did have an exciting time, I must admit. The nervousness peaked before the first rehearsal. Standing up there and saying the jokes out loud and getting a feel for the format eased my soul a bit before the actual event. And in comparison to the executives, I knew I would look good. All that remained at that point was not falling off the stage and being careful not to vomit on anybody. And by those standards, yes, the day was a definite success.